Surrounded by Leftover Holiday Food and Feelings?

We often spend weeks figuring out where we will spend Thanksgiving, who we will celebrate with, and what to eat. In the days leading up to the event, we scramble to keep up with our daily obligations while preparing food, decorating, and traveling. The day itself often flies by, leaving us exhausted and hopefully content. But the day after the holiday can be a letdown. If we enjoyed the festivities, we have to wait another year to repeat the event. When things don’t go well, we grapple with disappointment or other complex feelings.

Typically, the one bright spot in the wake of a holiday is the leftover food. As much as we enjoy the original meal there is something gratifying about making a turkey sandwich, reheating our favorite casserole or appetizer, and finishing off the pie. The day after the holiday we no longer have to meet everyone’s expectations and can choose to eat our favorite foods in the comfort of our pajamas in front of the television if we like. But what if we spent some of the time after a holiday dealing with our leftover feelings too?

While it is tempting to ignore unpleasant feelings in the hope that they will go away, it is more effective to use them as an early warning system. Sometimes they indicate that we need to change where we are or who we are with. But when that isn’t feasible, we need to focus on the things we can change, namely our thoughts, assumptions, and behaviors. In the midst of the Thanksgiving holiday, many of us experienced social interactions that left us unsatisfied. We have leftover feelings that can stem from many sources, but three common triggers are ideological controversies, comparing ourselves to those around us and, the criticism (overt or covert) that we receive from others.

Given how important the support of others is for our well-being, we want the people we care about to agree with us. However, the divisions in our current political landscape can make it difficult for family members, friends, and neighbors to peacefully navigate common topics like healthcare, education, and even extreme weather. But arguing is rarely successful. We may differ in how we want to solve social problems, but demonizing each other simply makes it harder to understand the leftover feelings that are motivating our positions. Listening and trying to find our common ground is more likely to be successful. When we can’t resolve our disagreements on one topic, it can be helpful to focus on what we do have in common. The issues that divide us are complex, but it is possible to respect and enjoy the company of someone who doesn’t see the world exactly the way we do if we let go of our need to have them validate our position.

Another common source of social distress is our tendency to compare ourselves to others in negative ways. If our holiday interactions with others make us start thinking we aren’t thin enough, rich enough, good enough parents, etc., we need to stop and take a step back. Humans are predisposed to focus on the negative as a means of identifying and neutralizing threats. But failing to give ourselves credit for the things we do well can contribute to envy, discontent, depression, and anxiety. Making a list of things you are proud of about yourself might sound self-serving, but it can be a good antidote to our tendency to focus on our perceived shortcomings. This can also include taking compliments with grace, rather than dismissing them out of hand.

Finally, we all have those people in our social circles who seek to bolster their own positions or cover their own insecurities by criticizing others. This doesn’t include well-meaning suggestions for how we might solve problems in our lives, but rather those hurtful, negative comments meant to make us question ourselves. Although it can be hard to cope with barbed comments from people we thought cared about us, we don’t have to internalize their criticism. Often, the person making the comment is behaving the way they are because of their own leftover feelings. It can be enlightening to think about why they choose the criticisms they do. Are they dismissive of your appearance or finances because those are issues for them (consciously or not)? Do they feel powerless in their own work or home situation, and so compensate by trying to put someone down? The next time someone criticizes you, spend some time thinking about what that criticism means about them, not you.

The bottom line is that social interactions are complex, and the holidays can bring out the best and worst in all of us. But rather than stuffing down our leftover feelings, it can be enlightening to assess what we are responding to and why. I recently heard someone say that they don’t eat leftovers, they eat planned overs because they deliberately made enough food for more than one meal. Maybe exploring our leftover feelings from Thanksgiving will enable us to approach the coming holidays with a plan for how to cope with the rest of the holiday season. By focusing on finding the connections in controversies, giving ourselves credit for things we do well, rather than focusing only on the negative, and refusing to internalize mean-spirited criticism, we will ultimately be the winners. Then we might even find we enjoy some of our leftover feelings!

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